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Военно-пратчеттотическое
'Looks like we're going to be in a fight, sarge,' said Nobby [...]
'Won't last long. Lots of cowards, the Klatchians,' said Colon. 'The moment they taste a bit of cold steel they're legging it away over the sand.'
Sergeant Colon had had a broad education. He'd been to the School of My Dad Always Said, the College of It Stands to Reason, and was now a postgraduate student at the University of What Some Bloke In the Pub Told Me.
'Shouldn't be any trouble to sort out, then?' said Nobby.
'And o'course, they're not the same colour as what we are,' said Colon. 'Well... as me, anyway,' he added, in view of the various hues of Corporal Nobbs. There was probably no–one alive who was the same colour as Corporal Nobbs.
'Constable Visit's pretty brown,' said Nobby. 'I never seen him run away. if there's a chance of giving someone a religious pamphlet ole Washpot's after them like a terrier.'
'Ah, but Omnians are more like us,' said Colon. 'Bit weird but, basic'ly, just the same as us underneath. No, the way you can tell a Klatchian is, you look an' see if he uses a lot of words beginning with "al", right? 'Cos that's a dead giveaway. They invented all the words starting with "al". That's how you can tell they're Klatchian. Like al–cohol, see?'
'They invented beer?'
'Yeah.'
'That's clever.'
'I wouldn't call it clever,' said Sergeant Colon, realizing too late that he'd made a tactical error. 'More, luck, I'd say.'
'What else did they do?'
'Well, there's...' Colon racked his brains. 'There's al–gebra. That's like sums with letters. For... for people whose brains aren't clever enough for numbers, see?'
'Is that a fact?'
'Right,' said Colon. 'In fact,' he went on, a little more assertively now he could see a way ahead, 'I heard this wizard down the University say that the Klatchians invented nothing. That was their great contribution to maffs, he said. I said "What?" an' he said, they come up with zero.'
'Dun't sound that clever to me,' said Nobby. 'Anyone could invent nothing. I ain't invented anything.'
'My point exactly,' said Colon. 'I told him, it was people who invented numbers like four and, and–'
'–seven–'
'–right, who were the geniuses. Nothing didn't need inventing. It was just there. They probably just found it.'
'It's having all that desert,' said Nobby.
'Right! Good point. Desert. Which, as everyone knows, is basically nothing. Nothing's a natural resource to them. It stands to reason. Whereas we're more civilized, see, and we got a lot more stuff around to count, so we invented numbers. It's like... well, they say the Klatchians invented astronomy–'
'Al–tronomy,' said Nobby helpfully.
'No, no... no, Nobby, I reckon they'd discovered esses by then, probably nicked' em off'f us... anyway, they were bound to invent astronomy, 'cos there's bugger all else for them to look at but the sky. Anyone can look at the stars and give 'em names. 's going it a bit to call it inventing, in any case. We don't go around saying we've invented something just because we had a quick dekko at it.'
'I heard where they've got a lot of odd gods,' said Nobby.
'Yeah, and mad priests,' said Colon. 'Foaming at the mouth, half of 'em. Believe all kinds of loony things.'
They watched the painter in silence for a moment. Colon was dreading the question that came.
'So how exactly are they different from ours, then?' said Nobby. 'I mean, some of our priests are–'
'I hope you ain't being unpatriotic,' said Colon severely.
'No, of course not. I was just asking. I can see where they'd be a lot worse than ours, being foreign and everything.
'And of course they're all mad for fighting,' said Colon. 'Vicious buggers with all those curvy swords of theirs.'
'You mean, like they viciously attack you while cowardly running away after tasting cold steel?' said Nobby, who sometimes had a treacherously good memory for detail.
'You can't trust 'em, like I said. And they burp hugely after meals.'
'Well... so do you, sarge.'
'Yes, but I don't pretend it's polite, Nobby.'
'Well, it's certainly a good job there's you around to explain things, sarge,' said Nobby. 'It's amazing the stuff you know.'
'I surprise myself, sometimes,' said Colon modestly.
'Won't last long. Lots of cowards, the Klatchians,' said Colon. 'The moment they taste a bit of cold steel they're legging it away over the sand.'
Sergeant Colon had had a broad education. He'd been to the School of My Dad Always Said, the College of It Stands to Reason, and was now a postgraduate student at the University of What Some Bloke In the Pub Told Me.
'Shouldn't be any trouble to sort out, then?' said Nobby.
'And o'course, they're not the same colour as what we are,' said Colon. 'Well... as me, anyway,' he added, in view of the various hues of Corporal Nobbs. There was probably no–one alive who was the same colour as Corporal Nobbs.
'Constable Visit's pretty brown,' said Nobby. 'I never seen him run away. if there's a chance of giving someone a religious pamphlet ole Washpot's after them like a terrier.'
'Ah, but Omnians are more like us,' said Colon. 'Bit weird but, basic'ly, just the same as us underneath. No, the way you can tell a Klatchian is, you look an' see if he uses a lot of words beginning with "al", right? 'Cos that's a dead giveaway. They invented all the words starting with "al". That's how you can tell they're Klatchian. Like al–cohol, see?'
'They invented beer?'
'Yeah.'
'That's clever.'
'I wouldn't call it clever,' said Sergeant Colon, realizing too late that he'd made a tactical error. 'More, luck, I'd say.'
'What else did they do?'
'Well, there's...' Colon racked his brains. 'There's al–gebra. That's like sums with letters. For... for people whose brains aren't clever enough for numbers, see?'
'Is that a fact?'
'Right,' said Colon. 'In fact,' he went on, a little more assertively now he could see a way ahead, 'I heard this wizard down the University say that the Klatchians invented nothing. That was their great contribution to maffs, he said. I said "What?" an' he said, they come up with zero.'
'Dun't sound that clever to me,' said Nobby. 'Anyone could invent nothing. I ain't invented anything.'
'My point exactly,' said Colon. 'I told him, it was people who invented numbers like four and, and–'
'–seven–'
'–right, who were the geniuses. Nothing didn't need inventing. It was just there. They probably just found it.'
'It's having all that desert,' said Nobby.
'Right! Good point. Desert. Which, as everyone knows, is basically nothing. Nothing's a natural resource to them. It stands to reason. Whereas we're more civilized, see, and we got a lot more stuff around to count, so we invented numbers. It's like... well, they say the Klatchians invented astronomy–'
'Al–tronomy,' said Nobby helpfully.
'No, no... no, Nobby, I reckon they'd discovered esses by then, probably nicked' em off'f us... anyway, they were bound to invent astronomy, 'cos there's bugger all else for them to look at but the sky. Anyone can look at the stars and give 'em names. 's going it a bit to call it inventing, in any case. We don't go around saying we've invented something just because we had a quick dekko at it.'
'I heard where they've got a lot of odd gods,' said Nobby.
'Yeah, and mad priests,' said Colon. 'Foaming at the mouth, half of 'em. Believe all kinds of loony things.'
They watched the painter in silence for a moment. Colon was dreading the question that came.
'So how exactly are they different from ours, then?' said Nobby. 'I mean, some of our priests are–'
'I hope you ain't being unpatriotic,' said Colon severely.
'No, of course not. I was just asking. I can see where they'd be a lot worse than ours, being foreign and everything.
'And of course they're all mad for fighting,' said Colon. 'Vicious buggers with all those curvy swords of theirs.'
'You mean, like they viciously attack you while cowardly running away after tasting cold steel?' said Nobby, who sometimes had a treacherously good memory for detail.
'You can't trust 'em, like I said. And they burp hugely after meals.'
'Well... so do you, sarge.'
'Yes, but I don't pretend it's polite, Nobby.'
'Well, it's certainly a good job there's you around to explain things, sarge,' said Nobby. 'It's amazing the stuff you know.'
'I surprise myself, sometimes,' said Colon modestly.
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Насколько это далеко от Hitchhiker's Guide?
Я решаю, стоит ли читать.
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Но раз говоришь Вуди Аллен и Прутков - попробую.
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С чего там надо начинать читать? Насколько я понимаю, это серия.
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Вот тебе еще отрывочек
'Nobby,' sighed Colon, 'you used to come back with your shield, everyone else's shield, a sack of teeth and fifteen pairs of still–warm boots. On a cart.'
'We–ell, no point in going to war unless you're on the winning side,' said Nobby, sticking the white feather in his helmet.
'Nobby, you was always on the winning side, the reason bein', you used to lurk aroun' the edges to see who was winning and then pull the right uniform off'f some poor dead sod. I used to hear where the generals kept an eye on what you were wearin' so they'd know how the battle was going.'
'Lots of soldiers have served in lots of regiments,' said Nobby.
'Right, what you say is true. Only not usually during the same battle,' said Sergeant Colon.
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Но я буду храбрым. Начну читать в хронологическом порядке. Правда, у меня неожиданно материализовалась стопка непрочитанных книг, так что это будет не сразу. Не вдруг, как выражался Роберт Рождественский.